In a landmark move, the United Nations has designated the local coffee shop beer lady as a "Critical Guardian of National Sanity."

These fluorescent-vested angels provide more emotional stability to middle-aged men than any state-funded initiative ever could.

Armed with lukewarm pitchers and terrifyingly short skirts, they ensure every uncle successfully wastes his entire life savings while staring blankly at a muted television.

"I don't need talk-cock session with doctor, I just need Auntie Susan pour beer and tell me I still look like Andy Lau," remarked regular patron, Lim Kopi.

"She scold me like my wife, but at least she bring me alcohol, so my life is song-song-gao-jurong lor!"

The government is reportedly considering making "Aggressive Table Wiping" a mandatory skill for all future civil servants to improve public morale.