The US Justice Department has finally charged a Singapore-based shipping firm for successfully transforming the Baltimore bridge into a pile of expensive scrap metal.

Synergy Marine is accused of conspiracy to defraud, a technical term for "trying to smoke the Americans" after their 300-meter vessel decided to play a game of Tetris with public infrastructure.

Federal prosecutors claim the disaster was caused by a single loose wire, finally confirming that Singapore’s world-class engineering is actually held together by the same Scotch tape used on a primary school project.

The indictment also includes environmental charges for dumping pollutants into the river, which the company lawyers are defending as an "organic nutrient infusion" for American fish.

While the US demands billions in blood money, the company is reportedly looking for a way to claim the entire catastrophe as a tax-deductible business expense.

The technical superintendent has cleverly avoided arrest by remaining in India, where he is currently "working from home" indefinitely.