The National Environment Agency has officially designated the murky, grey puddle water found in local wet markets as a "super-nutrient broth."

Scientists discovered that the intoxicating cocktail of warm chicken blood, fish scales, and uncle sweat provides a more effective chemical peel than industrial acid.

"I tell you ah, the blacker the water, the more power one," said local resident Tan Ah Kow, 68, while wringing out his damp slippers into a shot glass.

"Wah lau, you think why we still alive after eating 40 years? This floor water is real medicine, better than Pfizer!"

High-end spas in Orchard Road are now charging $500 for a "Tiong Bahru Splash" facial, involving a high-pressure hose and a bucket of fermented prawn heads.

Health officials remind citizens that if the floor isn't slippery enough to cause a fatal concussion, the produce simply isn't fresh.