President Trump landed in Beijing with a leash full of billionaire tech CEOs, ready to trade Taiwan for a few million more iPhone sales.

Elon Musk was seen vibrating with excitement at the prospect of installing neuralink chips into every member of the Politburo to ensure they all tweet "Big if true" at his memes.

Meanwhile, Jensen Huang reportedly tried to bribe the Chinese military honor guard with leather jackets and graphics cards in exchange for a dedicated semiconductor fab in Shanghai.

The state banquet at the Great Hall of the People was briefly interrupted when Tim Cook tried to claim the Forbidden City as an official Apple Store.

Local security cleared the streets of pedestrians, much to the delight of Singaporean observers who finally saw a government more efficient at suppressing dissent than their own.

Trump promised to "open up" China, which sources confirm actually means allowing him to build a gold-plated golf course on top of the Great Wall.