BEIJING – Chinese President Xi Jinping welcomed Taiwan opposition leader Cheng Li-wun with a 14-second handshake, which is roughly 13 seconds longer than any Singaporean can stand being touched by a stranger without shouting “molest.”

During the high-stakes meeting at the Great Hall of the People, Xi emphasized that both sides are “one family,” a term he uses with the same bone-chilling sincerity as a loan shark asking about your mother’s health before splashing red paint on your door.

“Compatriots on both sides are all Chinese,” Xi remarked, while his aides reportedly practiced the logistics of moving two million soldiers across the water in a “peaceful family reunion” that involves heavy artillery and zero consent.

Xi’s brand of “one family” love is remarkably similar to a typical Singaporean SME boss: he expects total loyalty, 24/7 emotional labor, and will gaslight you into thinking that being annexed is actually a promotion.

Ms. Cheng, playing the role of the desperate sibling who hopes she doesn't get punched if she brings a nice fruit basket, thanked Xi for the hospitality and the chance to not be vaporized by a hypersonic missile before lunch.

She famously told the press that “birds, not missiles, should fly in the sky,” a beautiful sentiment that Xi reportedly found hilarious because birds are much harder to track on radar and don't carry enough “unification” energy to flatten a city block.

The KMT leader even went so far as to invite Xi to Taiwan, an offer Xi plans to accept as soon as his naval engineers finish building the “family van,” which happens to look exactly like a Type 075 landing helicopter dock.

Experts suggest this meeting is a masterclass in toxic diplomacy, proving that you can absolutely talk about “harmony and prosperity” while your finger is literally hovering over the “Delete Sovereignty” button.

As the meeting concluded, Ms. Cheng left with a sense of accomplishment, unaware that she had just signed up for a family dinner where she is the main course and the soup.

The 14-second handshake finally ended only when Xi realized he had other countries to bully and Ms. Cheng realized her dignity had been successfully traded for a mediocre banquet in a room that smelled like old communism.

At press time, Xi was seen looking at a map of the Pacific and wondering if he should invite the rest of the “family” in the Philippines and Vietnam over for a similarly violent reunion.