Xi Jinping has officially updated the "Terms and Conditions" of the US-China rivalry, confirming that any future trade wars must now include a 15-minute smoke break and a strictly enforced "no hair-pulling" policy.

The new framework, hidden behind a SPH Media paywall that nobody pays for, dictates that if Donald Trump mentions tariffs, Xi is legally permitted to block his number on WeChat for a fortnight.

Sinkies are reportedly terrified by the prospect of a predictable superpower relationship, as the lack of global chaos might force the local government to innovate for a change.

"We thrive on their mutual hatred," said one local analyst currently hoarding canned sardines in a bomb shelter.

"If they start behaving like adults, we might have to stop overcharging foreign investors for shitty salted egg fish skins."

The rules also specify that any mention of Taiwan requires a mandatory three-minute silence where everyone pretends the island is just a large, floating chip factory.